dear self;

I'm sorry for what I've done to you. I'm sorry for who I am.
I'm sorry for all the cuts. I'm sorry for the blood. I'm sorry for all the times I swallowed too many pills, and for all the times when I bruised you and abused you.
I want you to know that I really, somewhere, deep down, do love you. It's just hard to admit sometimes. Hard to say. My brain keeps putting these chemicals all through you that make me feel so sad.. And sometimes I just can't handle it, so I hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm trying to stop, I am.
You're so beautiful sometimes, but other times I can't look at you. Can't stand you. So I hurt you, I cut you, deep, so deep... so I could see beauty in the mirror. Because before, the cuts, they were beautiful to me. So beautiful. The crimson made me smile, the pain made my heart pump faster, louder, so I could be sure that I was alive. And it was so beautiful... So beautiful....
But I realize now how wrong this was. When I see my scars now, I shiver. I feel disgusted. Yet, sometimes, when I feel weak, I long for the blood. The pain... It's an addiction, and I hurt you so much through it, but I just can't seem to stop sometimes.
I haven't sliced you open in exactly two weeks now, and I've promised my friend that I would make it to a year. I am extremely determined to do this, for you, for so many other people. Because I know how much it hurts you, everyone in my life. I hate the way I hurt everybody with my actions, but at the same time it feels.. good to hurt people. To know that what I do affects people. I know it's wrong. I'm trying to stop thinking like this, and it's working a bit. I've been trying extremely hard.

I'm really sorry for hurting you. For hating you. For almost killing you.
Will you forgive me? Please?

i will.

i'm gonna get through this.
i swear.

fix me, please,
i need this.

he makes me feel alive.

we were on the trampoline.
joking around. laughing.
having fun.

he was making me giggle
like a five year old.
i was grinning from ear-to-ear.

he was tickling me.
he was talking in a super
stupid, annoying voice.

telling me he was gonna
put me in the oven
and cook me up
for dinner.

he made a 'ding' noise.
said i was 'all done.'

i asked, 'what am i?'

he looked me in the eyes
pushed me onto my back
leaned on his elbows
overtop of me
& said

'your name is kristina marie.
& you are the love of my life.'

& he kissed me
like he meant it
and i felt so
extremely

& absolutely


whole.

night sky.

i'm going to fly up tonight
& polish the stars for you.
so that your sleep tonight
will be sweet.
with dreams that are clear & true.

with a clean, translucent atmosphere
that is always missed by your eyes
protecting you from falling stars
so that you sleep tonight.

i love the way that your arms shake
when the night sky is black & blue
filled with the light of the stars
shining only for you.

be still, for the choirs
of falling stars
are singing us to sleep.
hush, be silent,
close your eyes.
at night, we never weep.


-kmh-

sleep.

falling asleep

with my head in

his lap,

he leans down

& kisses

my hair.

he strokes my cheek

my breathing becomes

softer,

more even.

yet i'm still aware.

of him,

my everything

there.

protecting me.

sing.

we're together.
i'm in his arms,
warm, with his breath
with his touch.
feeling flawless
as he kisses
my neck,
my hair,
my lips.


my eyes wander
& i catch his own
staring at me
like i'm worth something.
everything, to him.


he tells me i'm beautiful.
& for once,
i feel beautiful.


as i stare up into
his eyes,
green,
with a hint of
the colour
light blue
leaking through
the cracks,
i can only think
of one phrase to sing.
& i sing it
over & over
in my head.

'& please don't let me go..'

that hint of light blue.

his eyes are green,
like faded-out leaves
given too much sunlight.
his smile lights up
those perfect eyes.

yet there's blue.
in his eyes.
light blue,
almost grey
showing something
you wouldn't
expect, inside
such a beautiful
soul.

he's sad.

the depth,
the darkness
in his eyes shows
it all.
he's struggling.
he's hurting.
he doesn't have to
say it.
cause i know.

the only one
i've ever loved
in my entire life
is sad.

& the fact that i
can't make that one
little piece of sadness
leave him for good

hurts me.

awake.

i'd give the world to him
if i could.
just to be in his arms
just to be held
deep
in his kiss.
the most beautiful
feeling
i have ever experienced
is when he looks
into my eyes
and tells me he loves me.
when he kisses my hair
as i fall asleep
when he smiles at me
when i'm tired
& not sure of exactly
what i'm saying.

when he hugs me
in the hallway
at school,
in the morning,
i'm still not fully awake,
but his smell,
his arms,
his warmth
his heartbeat
make me feel
more awake then ever
and i want to stay in his arms
until the bell rings,
and we have to go to class.

& his eyes hold
glories & tales
that no one has seen.
& his lips hold
word i never imagined
would be said to me.


'hold me close, don't ever let me go..'

porcelain parade.

their eyes are painted on,
but their colors melting away
as their ruby red lips,
ready to kiss
are wearing thinner & thinner,
with each tick of the clock
with each beat of their heart,
which never changes pace.
while the line of porcelain
marches on,
their glass faces
beginning to crack,
their smiles chipping off
at the corners,
their hearts snapping
from all the pressure
of being glass.
of needing to watch
every step
every move
to make sure they
won't break.
when really, they are broken
already.
glued together at the cracks
from years of being used
and from months of being stepped on
as they lay in the closet
behind all the secrets
that need not be mentioned
not mentioned at all
cause what would he think
if he knew what you'd done?
what would he say
if he knew who you've loved?
this porcelain parade
is clearly a protest.
all these fragile dolls
are breaking out.

first day of my life.

this is the first day of my life,
i swear I was born right in the doorway.
i went out in the rain suddenly everything changed,
they're spreading blankets on the beach.

yours is the first face that I saw,
i think I was blind before I met you.
now I don’t know where I am,
i don’t know where I’ve been,
but I know where I want to go..

and so I thought I’d let you know
that these things take forever,
i especially am slow.
but I realize that I need you,
and I wondered if I could come home..?

remember the time you drove all night
just to meet me in the morning?
and I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
you felt as if you'd just woke up.
and you said “this is the first day of my life.
i’m glad I didn’t die before I met you..
but now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
and I’d probably be happy.”

so if you want to be with me,
with these things there’s no telling,
we just have to wait and see.
but I’d rather be working for a paycheck,
than waiting to win the lottery.
besides maybe this time is different,
i mean I really think you like me..

he told me.

last night,
he said that
he loved me more
than he ever had.

he told me i was
the most beautiful girl
he had ever seen.

he told me i
had the most beautiful smile,
he loved seeing it
every time we kissed.

he told me he
loved me like he
had loved no other.

he told me in
the moonlight.
stars shining above
our heads.

he told me as
he held me,
safe, warm,
in the freezing
night air,
in his arms.

he told me then
he kissed me.
like he'd never
kissed me
before.

last night,
he told me
he loved me.

he told me...

love&hope.

love is what keeps me going, i think. it's all i need... i need love. need his warm embrace, crave his kiss, falling head-over-heels for his perfect, beautiful eyes. his voice, the way he says my name, the way he whispers in my ear, the way he kisses my hair, my neck...
i really love this. it gives me reasons to look forward to tomorrow. to life. as long as he's here, as long as he's in my future, i need this. i'm going to do this.

i haven't cut myself in 16 days. a whole sixteen days. i can't believe how good i'm doing.. i don't want to ever cut again... he's helping me do this. he's helping me through.

i really, really want to win this. i really think i can. i think i'm gonna fix this... i think i'm gonna do it.

i have hope & love now. this is a beautiful feeling, hope & love are beautiful.

they're taking me to such great heights...

i can smell the death on the sheets.

cancer is a killer in my life. cancer has been a big part of my growing up, all my life, someone i know & love has had cancer. cancer is a devil, a horrible thing, my weakness. if i find out about cancer, i feel hopeless. absolutely hopeless. i have this constant, horrible fear that i'm going to get cancer. or ethan. or ty. or anyone. someone will get cancer, someone will die slowly, and i will die along with them. because cancer is satan's disease. it's all him. he's trying to get to me, to everyone who's affected by cancer.

healing is so important... everyone who has had cancer will heal, but also everyone who has had to deal with someone they love having cancer, they will have to heal. i know i had to. after my brother went into remission, i had nightmares for months about it coming back. i dreamed of cancer as a black monster, coming to kill me. to kill pete. to kill everyone i love. slowly. slowly, oh so slowly.

but we have to have hope. hope is a big part of it. hope is so important. we have to have hope that they'll recover, that we'll recover from the trauma, that everything will be okay. because it's all part of God's plan. God made these things happen for a reason, it will all benefit us in the end. God is amazing, he can plan the lives of 6 billion people.

absolutely incredible.

God saved my brother and my dad. he might not have saved my opa and my aunt, but they died in peace, knowing God would save them.

hope is a beautiful thing.

let it help you fly.

fly away.

all i want, all i need, all i yearn to do is just spread my wings and fly away. just leave behind this life, not leave behind all of the people i love here, but just... forget everything that has happened. if the past could be forgotten, life would be so much easier.

i wish i could let it go. just let everything that has happened go. then i could fly. all the weight would be off of me, and i could soar. above the boundary lines.. just be absolutely free, with nothing to lose. nothing to lose, and everything to gain. i could just whisk through life without a care in the world, without worrying and fretting about the depression, the meds, the cutting.

i'd be free, and i'd have so much hope. but, even a little hope can go a very, very long way.

i need to break free from the chains of depression holding me down.

and right now, with how i'm feeling at the moment,
it feels very possible.

perfection.

i hope i find myself. i hope that, in the future, i'll discover who i am, who i'm supposed to be. that would be the most fantastic thing ever to happen. i'd discover that i'm really an artist, a musician, a counsellor. i want to mean something to someone. i want to save a life, or at least change them. i want to make an impact, the biggest impact any depressed girl has ever made on anyones life.

i want to help people. i want to help people with music, with lyrics, with poetry, with words. i want to show people that they are not alone in their sufferance, that they can get help. that they don't have to be perfect for anyone, that everyone has their flaws and weaknesses. i want to teach people that perfection is only possible in weakness. perfection is not real.

striving for perfection will get you nowhere.

i've learned that the hard way.

saving lives.

if i were a pretty, wealthy girl, i think i would give money to to write love on her arms. then i'd buy a huge mansion in the country. then i would become a counsellor. and i would help all the depressed teenagers, so they won't have to feel how i feel now. so they could tackle the problem and get rid of it before it gets this big. i would tell people not to wait.. to call.. to ask for help. that it would be the best thing to do. i would save lives, the way i almost couldn't save my own. i would help people to free their souls.

that is, if i make it that far.
maybe, someday... this fantasy will come true.